The thrill of a cougar

I laughed so hard at the title.

You see, I am that type of girl who is really very sincere and loyal to the person I am dating. That is when he is there, right in front of me and occasionally when he is not around. I can't do long distance. So, I need an acting-partner. Someone to go for movie with, the constant someone to dine with, someone you can easily ask out and that person will never say no.

Here is the situation. I am 26 this year. Soon-to-be MO/resident somewhere. Which means my social circle bounds people of my age category. Guess what, all the guys I am acquainted with are either married, engaged, has a steady relationship, not good looking or gay. So you tell me what am I left with? Yes, young boys. Younger boys, I mean.

Younger boys who look up to me, because I am an established doctor. LOL that. Younger boys who do not want to got through the hassle of dating hormonal emotional teenagers. Okay, I think I will use the term younger men, because boys seem too pedophilic. Younger men who need emotional support from more experienced people and sometimes financial too.

You know what is the fun of going out with them? I choose the word 'going out' because I am still sincere and loyal to someone else. Going out with them is fun because 1st, they adore you. Gosh, I love that attention. 2nd, they notice every single feature of yours and that kinda makes me blush, unlike older males who seem too complacent to variation of women. 3rd, they are playful and cute. 4th, they are nervous with small gestures which creates new feel and feelings. 5th, both parties know that it's not gonna go serious, hopefully.

The guy I am going out with now rides a bike. I told him to fetch me by bike sometime (devilish grin here). He said, No, I am nervous, the roads are bumpy. Whoah.. I feel thrilled.

Geriatric population

Today I must write before I sleep. I am not writing for you to read, but for me to read. I fancy old aunties and uncles. When I am working in the wards, my heart leaps out when my patients happened to be wrinkled, saggy, toothless population. The geriatrics. I am just so enthralled that I get to be with people who are so matured, experienced yet helplessly childish. And they genuinely smile. This affection is most likely due to my early childhood upbringing when I was very attached to my late grandmother. Like children's complexion, the elderlies have their very own pimple-free, radiant complexion. When I try to set an IV, the skin would be so fragile that I would be so afraid of tearing those layers apart. Their veins glide over their bony surfaces making it so difficult for us to stabilise the veins. But they rarely cringe or frown. Even when they frown, I never felt like scolding them, because they are children too. It is okay for them to feel pain and show it to us. There was a patient in Orthopaedic ward, let us call her Miss Moi.She has multiple co-morbids and she has been staying in the ward for months. We have so much difficulty to bring her Sodium up, thanks to her SIADH. Yet she has to go for operation. So that we can get the infected implant out of her hip. So that she can stand up again. So that she can at least smile to us. So that she will not be depressed anymore. We had to check her electrolytes daily and that means phlebotomy and bruises daily. I would go to her and tell her that "I am going to withdraw some blood, is it ok?" She will not look at me. She will just clutch her water bottle tightly and will not make a noise even after the procedure is over. The thing is, we all like her so much. She has the darkest black hair with streaks of gray cut up to her ear level. She looks around with her large eyes. Really large eyes. She never speaks to anyone but her caring husband. So when I go near her or just stand next to her, I wonder what she is thinking about. I wonder whether she would remember me. I like her. Because she is old. And nice.

My hunger

There are times when we get extremely thirsty. The thirst starts from down there, near the umbilicus, but so very deep. It starts as a small, round mass. As tiny as a clear marble. Then it grows. It expands. In a fraction of a second, it grows so big till it occupies the whole abdominal cavity. The thirst then pushes onto the diaphragm and makes you hungry for air. That mass of thirst now is so overwhelmingly powerful that makes you want to let it out. It makes you wanting to grab a paper and write it all down. It makes your legs shake vigorously. It makes your fingers rattle. It makes you feeling out of place. It makes you feel so strong yet insufficient. It creates tiny pricks of pain near your lungs. It makes you wanting to prove. That this is what I have been missing. That this thirst is one thing I need to lunge forward. That this is something I want to do for the rest of my life. Not because of him. Not because of them. But just because, this is me. This thirst is me. The thirst to dance.

Please God, give me a chance to dance again. I am not sure whether I am doing it right, now. I want to stand on that stage and be blinded by those lights. I want to see myself in that mirror flexing my muscles and straining my bones. I want to spoil my skin with heavy foundations and glitters. I want to cry because I have to learn a difficult choreography. I want to fly in lines and arches. I want to dance. I want to dance. I want to just dance for the rest of my life. I need to dance.

Sisters, out there.

Dear sisters all over the world,

I have sisters, my blood-sisters, and I am writing this so that my sisters will know what to not expect when they encounter the world and men. It would kill me to know that my sisters are going through the painful realizations that I have gone through. Thus, to bring the expectations really low and to avoid heartbreaks, please read this, print this out, boil the paper  with some chicken stock and celery and drink it. 

Firstly, clearing my throat, no one is going to love you like our parents. No other man is going to stay up all night to change your soiled diapers, or doze off next to a boiling kettle to fix u  a bottle of milk, no man but our father. No other human being would wake up every two hourly to feed you but our mom. And  Anu, Sasi, no other man would  check your forehead to see whether you are having fever and shove a rectal/oral Paracetamol every 4 hourly to make sure you get out of your sick bed except Amma and Appa. No other human being would understandingly buy/make you porridge/chicken soup/rasam when you are sick. So, listen, when you are out there with a man you think u love, when you need all these care, you just have yourself to do it all, or just come back home. Amma and Appa will give you all you need.  Don’t ever expect that man you love to do all these, because he probably has no clue what you need/ he does not know what you are going through/ he just has no idea what to do/he thinks you are well enough to walk out of bathroom after purging diarrhea through your mouth/ he’s just too busy watching football. Accept that, okay. 

Secondly, just remember, you are not the only female walking with boobs, butts and vagina. And you bloody well know that we inherit short statures, tiny calves and large noses from Appa, so just accept the fact that we are average. Just plain average.Amma is really beautiful, and its sad we didn’t get her thighs, calves. Though I think you both are the most beautiful sisters one can ever get. Do not expect to be treated like you are princess-charming and the whole world is after you. The man you claim to love have eyes, have got things between his legs , and they are sensitive to any woman, to not just you. So accept it, they will check other girls out, they will watch porn etc. But a real man knows to refrain himself from other bitches and to keep you secured. So, trust those men, and discard others into Padang Golf garbage. Don’t get upset when you discover  him checking other girls out, no matter in what manner/media, just accept, all men do that. And you have eyes, and two ovaries within your abdomen, too. You know Vidyut Jamwal is available online anytime. 

Thirdly, you have the full authority to everything you earn, including money, success, career .  Your money is yours. You have the right to spend it. You have the right to buy anything you want.  The achievement you get in your studies/career is solely your hardwork and you must work for it. Do not expect positive encouragement from the man you claim to love. Do not expect him to guide you to being a succesful woman. You have brain, and our family is blessed with intelligence and talents, plus you are a woman, so you can do it by yourself.Men are quite dumb, actually.  You don’t need a gentle push, tap on your shoulder, handshake or I am proud of you, my lady to go further. You can stand on your own feet and and use that money you get for yourself and Amma, Appa.Go get that  Fossil,Prada or whatever you want. Don’t bug me for money. LOL.  Pay for his dinner, if he needs. But you can always take care of yourself. Don’t get upset when he doesn’t bother about your career growth and personal achievement. He has his own life to look after and he probably has a lot to learn from you.

Fourth, and probably the closest I can relate to myself. Wake up, Kalai. Don’t expect romance to flow from the man you claim to love. He’ll follow you around like a puppy, he’ll buy you chocolates and probably few flowers after you give him a bit of hint, but do not, I repeat, DO NOT EXPECT that to be everlasting. You might have flutters still in your chest or you might still imagine romance after 20 years of marriage, but do not expect him to feel the same way. Because he is not a female. The hormones work differently. Trust me, I am a doctor. Do not expect lovey-dovey sentence/texts, say…after 5 months of relationship. Do not be fooled by love stories/romantic movies/anything for you,baby! As I said, all you have is yourself. Do not expect him to get you birthday gifts, do not expect him to surprise with you a book you longed to buy-he probably won’t even remember, do not expect anniversary gifts. It’s good enough if he remembers it. But when you get those, embrace them and be happy just for 10 minutes.Anything longer than 10 minutes, you are teaching yourself to expect. Because after all, as I saw on Facebook today, even the sweetest chocolate expires, and you didn’t even get the sweetest one in the first place. 

Fifth, do not put him before your parents. Or before me. If you ever have to choose between going back home or visiting him, trust me, do not think twice, just go back home. GO BACK HOME!! There is no such thing as sacrificing your work/time/life for him. He will come to you if he wants to see you/if he misses you. Amma and Appa need you both, Sasi especially, so just go back home! 

Sixth, let him go if he needs to go. If he likes someone else, he cheated on you or whatever stupid reason that makes him want to break up, LET HIM GO. There are a many more other guys on Earth. You probably feel like there is no one like him, no one would understand you like him and you can't imagine living without him. But guess what, he did not think there is no one like you. He does not want to understand you anymore. He obviously can imagine a life without you. So, do you think you want to live with a jerk like him? Just let him go. Karma is a bitch. He'll probably hook up with one. And if u can't find a good guy, don't worry, big sister is here.

I am late to work. All I am trying to say is, family first. You second. And you both need to grow up, be independent and do not complain. I love you all.

Disclaimer: Not all men are as I described, but most are.Some are gem. Few are really like Shah Rukh Khan in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. If you are lucky enough to date a Korean,then you can ignore this post. If you think the man you claim to love is none like what I wrote, then he’s a keeper. But you both never listen to me. Don’t say  that I did not warn you both, huh.

Day 11: 10 songs that pop when I put my iPod in shuffle

I don't have an iPod. Damn.

Day 10: My first love and my first kiss

My first love wasn't my first kiss. Its a memory I am trying to forget. 

Day 9: How I hope my future will be like.

I hope my future will be calm. I hope my future will be happy. I hope my future will be peaceful. I hope my future will be full of love.