Day 8: A time I felt the most satisfied with my life

3rd February 2011

There in his eyes, I saw the light of magic as he spoke his love out.The light gleamed like never before, shouting and screaming to my eyes. Trust me, it said. As I was struck by fear, the light soothed me. Thousands of times, I have looked into the same eyes, facing the same droplets of pearl in his eyes, never have they spoken with such sincerity and truth. And I thought that very moment, thank you God, for showing your light through his eyes. I don't meeting You now, as he has completed my quest in life.

Day 7: My zodiac sign and if i think it fits my personality

So, there. An Archer I am. I am not usually bothered by Zodiacs or horoscopes. Once in a while,when I read newspapers to give everyone that intellectual look, I'd just scan through every other section and spend longer time on the horoscope page. Thanks to the 'crossword puzzle', 'spot-the-difference' and the comics which would be on the same page as the horoscopes. So, inadvertently, I would read the horoscopes to have a good laugh about myself. More than half of the times, the horoscopes are never true. I should probably send a mail to the newspaper company to look for a new astrologer to be the columnist.

Since I am to write about my zodiac sign, so I had to Google what my personalities are as ascribed by the Society of Astrologers, if it actually exists. You can look yours up here too. And man, I had a shock of my life! You will know why. I'll list down what my supposed personalities are and my opinion follows. 

1.Knowledge is key to these folks, since it fuels their broad-minded approach to life.
This statement is true. I love reading because it tells me what is happening in the world and outside this world. I seek for knowledge in every opportunity that arrives. I believe knowledge is everywhere, and I still read my brother's textbooks and his kid's encyclopedia, because I learn a lot. For example, I just learnt this few days ago, from my brother's book.Did you know that, the screwdrivers were invented only, only after 500 years screws were invented? I find it very fascinating because, I wonder in that 500 years, how did the folks unscrew the screws or even screw it in the first place? 

2.The Sagittarian-born are keenly interested in philosophy and religion, and they find that these disciplines aid their internal quest.
This was the statement that caught my breath in mid-inspiration, because it is so freaking true! I have always been driven by the passion to know how things work, not scientifically, but world as a whole. The behavior of humans and the role of religion in moulding clans of human beings. For that, I love reading history, especially about the timeframe when the concept of religion mushroomed. Though I have to admit, halfway through the page, I would have sailed into dreamland. I think Paulo Coelho, Yann Martel, Harper Lee, Kazuo Ishiguro, Neil Gaiman,Chuck Palahniuk and my recent crush, Haruki Murakami are inspiring authors in terms of philosophy. They make me think. They make me realise that life is all about passing the gene on. If you ask me what my quest in life is, I would answer, it's to find the meaning of life. 

3.Those born under this sign are clear thinkers, and choose to look at the big picture most of the time. They also like it when others agree with their well-thought-out point of view. The alternative to this, for better or for worse, is a Sag who can become argumentative and blunt.
Well, I don't agree with the first point. I don't think that I am a clear thinker. Most of the time, my thoughts are clouded. I always consider myself as immature and that drives me to think that decision made by others are always better than mine. For that reason, I am easily impressed by great minds. That's probably part of my philosophy-seeking personality. I am not a clear thinker, I am definitely a complicated thinker. The latter is true though, I do look at the big picture always. This is especially true in term of relationship. If things don't work now, there must be a reason, and solving the reason might not work. Probably the genes don't match. There is no point in forcing the genes to like each other. I strongly believe, the big picture of being in a relationship is just to procreate. I will be in seventh heaven if you agree with me on this. 

4. They are outspoken in their beliefs, at times to the point of exaggeration. 
I think you would have understood this by now. 

5. They're quick to take a gamble on things, feeling both lucky and smart. Those born under this sign can be quite self-indulgent since things come so easily to them (thanks to their charming and sociable natures). 
Oh my God, this is so true and I have always wondered whether I am just lucky  or I am being extremely optimist to the extent of not seeing the hazard. Things come to me easily. I have a brain that easily grasps ideas and even find shortcuts in few exposures. That's not good all the time, you know. I take things for granted, especially, the people I easily attract, the ability to learn quickly, and my ability to impress and so I procrastinate.  That is not usually a problem to me, but to all the other wonderful beings around me, who would do anything for me. 

6.The Element associated with Sagittarius is Fire. Just as a fire can move quickly and uncontrollably, so can Sagittarius as they flit from one thing to the next, never looking back.
This sentence is not that far from truth. I have the tendency to fall in love easily with things that are exciting and, unfortunately these little dreams are shortlived. For example, I took an online lesson to learn writing fictions and my enthusiasm lasted for a month. I bought a sketchbook to start practising on pencil drawing, but the portraits I drew always have crooked noses,thus the hobby lasted for only a week. My parents think that I should keep on drawing though. My emotions fit well into the description as well. I have the ability to swing from extreme joviality to extreme despair in a matter of seconds and its usually followed by sheer, idiotic impulsivity.

7. These folks love their physicality and are often athletic, and certainly full of stamina. Archers are outgoing, enthusiastic and tend to overstep their bounds. 
I love my body. Its not athletic, but I love my curves. I try to keep fit, by daily exercise and my neighbours think that I am an exercise-freak. For me, my body is important and I nourish it with healthy food and workouts. I could run for a long time, slowly. So, I guess my stamina is not that bad. I am definitely outgoing. I love doing outdoor activities. I love going to new places to jog. I am enthralled by nature, so hiking, caving, climbing are the activities that I would never say 'No' to. Basically I love anything that makes me sweat. as a result,I have a got a back bone protruding out my back, patellar tendinopathy, lax ankle ligament and probably an imminent osteoarthritis. 

Looks like me. 

8. When it comes to love games, the Archer is playful, flirtatious and always on top. 

I am playful. I might be flirtatious yet I am terribly loyal and I hate it. True, I like it on top,

As a conclusion, my Zodiac sign is Sagittarius and I think it fits my personality. Like a pair of leather gloves. 

But I wonder, there must be like zillions of Sagittarians in this whole wide world, and don't tell me all of them have the exact of copy of my traits? 

That's me. Minus the carefree. And I am not THAT desired because my frankness hurt. 

Day 6: 30 interesting facts about me

I often find myself as an interesting person and that's mostly due to my heightened self-esteem. In reality, deep down, especially when I meet new people, I am often at lost on how to make myself socially-appealing. Recently, when I went out with a guy, I told him, no no, I warned him that, I am a very boring person and he still insisted on meeting up and I guess, it went pretty well, thanks to his extremely jovial personality. All I am trying to say is, I think I am an interesting person, but the truth is probably the vice versa. So,now, I am supposed to compile 3o interesting things about me, and 30 is a big number. Let's see if I can find even 10.

1.     I am fascinated by thick, plush kitchen rolls. 

2.     I love reading Doraemon comic and I still read it. 

3.     I think I am a bisexual. I like a woman's top and a man's bottom. 

4.     I am definitely a prude. 

5.     I often imagine myself 'having fun' on a silver, washing machine. 

6.     I kiss my brother at least five times a day and he hates it.

7.     I hate babies, I love toddlers.

8.     I find this pencil sharpener very captivating, and I love dismantling it just to understand how it works. Never got it though.

9           9.   I am going to be a travel photographer soon.

10.  I wanted to be a doctor since I understood what ambition means.

11.  I pick nose when no one’s watching me.

12.  Playing with my belly button is my pre-sleep ritual.

13.  I love my boobs.

14.  I would kill a cockroach just to shake hands with Adam Levine.

15.  I can spend days just by playing Lego.

16.  I love Greek mythology and I always believe that Aphrodite looks like me.

17.  I exercise on bed, in bathroom, while cooking and even while being an umpire for table tennis games.

18.  I sometimes think that I am too good to be true.

19.  I would like to write a book someday.

20.  My weight was 52kg when I was in Form 5 and I wish I could have that weight again.

21.  I have got butter-hands and butter-feet.

22.  My coccyx bone protrudes out and I can feel it whenever I lay down.

23.  I have always wanted to be a pornstar. LOL

24.  My friends find my tastes for men a bit weird because I like Ben Whishaw.

25.  I can’t coordinate my breathing when I cry and that freaks my parents out.

26.  I like the fragrant of a vanilla cigar.

27.  My left ulnar and radius are misaligned and I cannot lift heavy things with my left   hand.

28. I find Khairy Jamaluddin attractive.

29. I am thinking of getting a nosejob.

30.  I am addicted to Coke.

I guess that's it. The nosejob is something I am reeally unsure of but I could not find any other interesting facts about me, so nosejob got to be in the list. I think, Deepika Padukone has a really beautiful nose.

Cantik, kan.

Day 5: A time I thought about ending my life

So, today I am supposed to write about my suicidal ideations. The topic says ‘A time’ but I have to admit that there were many times I thought about ending my life. 

So, let’s just rephrase it.

Day 5: The times I thought about ending my life.

I never thought of dying until I got into university. It’s not that medical school burned the hell out of me, as a matter of fact; medicine was pretty generous to me, and I am unreservedly grateful for that. The reason why university life was ‘killing’ me is because I was in the toughest period of my current relationship when I was just kicking off uni life. I call that period as “Dark Age” or simply put, getting to know each other. So, that was when I thought about ending my life frequently. The reasons seem petty to me now, and I can’t even summon up many of the reasons now. I remember, there was once, I was so angry with him, that I punched a hand mirror and it smashed after few punches. The anger persisted and I began taking the pieces of mirror and held them in my fist, clenching tightly. I had many cuts over my palm, and some of the pieces poked hard enough to settle in my dermis. My roommate came in and saw what I did. She took a towel and picked up the mirror pieces that were sticking out of my skin and she swept the floor clean to get rid of the tiny fragments of the mirror. Later, of course, she worriedly asked me many times, what the hell have happened till I decided to put such a show. I shrugged her off, saying I missed my family. How ridiculous. I know. I had to suffer later, whenever my palm was in contact with water and soap.

 It’s been many years since that incident, and it is funny thinking about it now, because all I wanted then was just his attention. Nothing major happened after that, I guess. Except that once, I tried to slash my wrist, probably for another trivial reason.

Fortunately, I did not have this much of courage.

 I managed to give myself a few, clean lacerations that didn't even leave any scar behind. I was just too scared to die and I was still sane to know that all I wanted was attention, and I had to do things maturely, not attempting some sickly-histrionic-directed-self-mutilation.

Recently, I had another thought of ending my life, but even when I was thinking of it, I knew it was rubbish. It was for a ridiculous reason, to teach my mother a lesson; to keep the house cleaner. I know, I know, nothing can be more mature than that. I dismissed the idea few seconds after it popped into my tangled up neurons.

I guess, that were just the times I thought about ending my life. In reality, the number might actually be more than what I write here, but it does not matter now. I believe, I am a big girl now. Well, I still cry, a lot, but I don’t think of slashing my radial artery anymore. If I were ever to die because of blood loss, I’d choose to be bitten by a vampire rather than losing it to my histrionic personality or over a man who did not care about my feelings in the first place.

Since I am alive and writing now, I guess I could actually drop an advice to those who are thinking of ending your lives. I have always used this method, and Aamir Khan said the same thing in 3 Idiots. Just think of your parents crying over your corpse.  That’s all it took for me to move on, to cool down.

Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame,

Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned, 

But just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET UP AND TRY TRY TRY!