Day 5: A time I thought about ending my life

So, today I am supposed to write about my suicidal ideations. The topic says ‘A time’ but I have to admit that there were many times I thought about ending my life. 

So, let’s just rephrase it.

Day 5: The times I thought about ending my life.

I never thought of dying until I got into university. It’s not that medical school burned the hell out of me, as a matter of fact; medicine was pretty generous to me, and I am unreservedly grateful for that. The reason why university life was ‘killing’ me is because I was in the toughest period of my current relationship when I was just kicking off uni life. I call that period as “Dark Age” or simply put, getting to know each other. So, that was when I thought about ending my life frequently. The reasons seem petty to me now, and I can’t even summon up many of the reasons now. I remember, there was once, I was so angry with him, that I punched a hand mirror and it smashed after few punches. The anger persisted and I began taking the pieces of mirror and held them in my fist, clenching tightly. I had many cuts over my palm, and some of the pieces poked hard enough to settle in my dermis. My roommate came in and saw what I did. She took a towel and picked up the mirror pieces that were sticking out of my skin and she swept the floor clean to get rid of the tiny fragments of the mirror. Later, of course, she worriedly asked me many times, what the hell have happened till I decided to put such a show. I shrugged her off, saying I missed my family. How ridiculous. I know. I had to suffer later, whenever my palm was in contact with water and soap.

 It’s been many years since that incident, and it is funny thinking about it now, because all I wanted then was just his attention. Nothing major happened after that, I guess. Except that once, I tried to slash my wrist, probably for another trivial reason.

Fortunately, I did not have this much of courage.

 I managed to give myself a few, clean lacerations that didn't even leave any scar behind. I was just too scared to die and I was still sane to know that all I wanted was attention, and I had to do things maturely, not attempting some sickly-histrionic-directed-self-mutilation.

Recently, I had another thought of ending my life, but even when I was thinking of it, I knew it was rubbish. It was for a ridiculous reason, to teach my mother a lesson; to keep the house cleaner. I know, I know, nothing can be more mature than that. I dismissed the idea few seconds after it popped into my tangled up neurons.

I guess, that were just the times I thought about ending my life. In reality, the number might actually be more than what I write here, but it does not matter now. I believe, I am a big girl now. Well, I still cry, a lot, but I don’t think of slashing my radial artery anymore. If I were ever to die because of blood loss, I’d choose to be bitten by a vampire rather than losing it to my histrionic personality or over a man who did not care about my feelings in the first place.

Since I am alive and writing now, I guess I could actually drop an advice to those who are thinking of ending your lives. I have always used this method, and Aamir Khan said the same thing in 3 Idiots. Just think of your parents crying over your corpse.  That’s all it took for me to move on, to cool down.

Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame,

Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned, 

But just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET UP AND TRY TRY TRY!